I promised myself a long while ago that I’d devote more time to myself but, well, you know how it is….that never really happened.
Then it occurred to me recently that I no longer knew who the hell I am or what I stand for. It scared and disappointed me to know my true sense of self got lost somewhere along the way as motherhood and an attempt at a career overtook all else. The last few years have gone by in a whirl of school-related concerns, children’s social lives, domestic responsibilities and work worries. Now, I’m not saying I’ve had it all wrong – focusing on being a decent parent will always be the top priority – but having become increasingly less satisfied with, what I must say, is a pretty decent life, I knew something was most definitely not right. A bit of me was missing. As in the actual me, the one I think is meant to exist apart from the mother/wife/underpaid employee/lynchpin of the family.
I was becoming a grouchy, resentful, intolerant b*tch…
When I finally admitted to myself that I was becoming a grouchy, resentful, intolerant b*tch, the penny dropped. There was more-or-less nothing left in the tank. Can’t give what you don’t have. No More Mrs Nice Gal was the result of over-tiredness and total lack of inspiration.
I felt like a disappearing woman: My identity was entirely bound up with that of other people and virtually all my energy went into serving the needs of others. No surprise then that I was harbouring a lot of simmering resentment!
I didn’t want to be a woman who pushed people away. Visions of myself in years to come started to plague my thoughts – bitter, angry, probably an alcoholic, certainly lonely. No way would I allow that to become a reality – I didn’t want to lose my friends and family. So a plan began forming in my mind to reaffirm my own sense of identity, to be a little selfish with my time and to explore what I like and get excited about through starting a personal blog.
Will it help at all to be able to answer the “tell me about yourself” question with “I’m an aspiring blogger…”? Maybe not (I can’t actually see myself saying any such thing!), but at least I’ll be able to quote one hobby and, by focusing even a few hours a week on the blog and any activities that will help form the content, I’ll no longer be able to b*tch about not having any time solely for myself!
Here’s my blog, then. The first step on the road to the ‘me’ I know is in there (out there?) somewhere. My attempt to reconnect with that girl* who, as I seem to recall loves words, making things, having an opinion and learning. Who knows what else she likes? I hope to find out.
It may be not much more than a selfish waste of time, an experiment. Can’t say I know exactly where this will take me but it will be amazing if you’ll take a few steps alongside me.